Strange Season

The other night I was singing along with a sea of people. We were singing to God and about God. During one of the songs, I found myself choking on my words. If you know me, you know I usually have no problem expressing myself. The lyric was about how God has never failed me. Something came over me and I could not sing it. I instantly felt emotional-sad and confused. While the music played on, I realized there was something in my heart that I needed to work through. I thought I was the spokesperson for believing that God is not to blame for problems, after I learned a tough lesson about blaming God years ago. My anger and disappointment in God that came when I blamed Him before had basically zapped my faith. Once I worked through that, I knew I would never doubt Him or His character again. So what was this? Why couldn't I say God has never failed me? No one was listening to me. No one knew what I was wrestling with in that moment. Through the past few years I've told people that my faith was strong and that I know things will turn around! So...what was this? It's only happened one time that I recall that a friend looked me in the eyes and acknowledged that what I've dealt with has been hard. I felt like someone was seeing something so vulnerable in me and I instantly broke down. No, no, no, people go through much worse. My life is blessed! Things are fine! If they aren't fine, if I'm not okay, I'm pitied. I'm worried about. People don't have time for that and I don't want to be the object of that. So. Why couldn't I say God has never failed me? I think it hit me in that moment that something, how to say this, went wrong in my life and I was indeed disappointed and sad. It's been floating around somewhere in my head and pushed around and ignored because, truly, life isn't bad! I made myself listen to that song over and over again until I could sing it sincerely. God hasn't failed me. My life doesn't look the way I expected or planned for, which for a person wired like me, that is so difficult to wrap my head around still! I think I got it in my head that there would be a rough patch and I'd suddenly have everything and everyone I needed and la dee da good times. But no, God didn't fail me. He hasn't and He won't. There's no "failed me yet" because I really believe He is good and that He keeps His promises. He has! I've always had everything I need and then some. There are things I want, and sometimes I mourn over things lost or things not found. And that's okay. At least I think it's okay. That's where faith and hope come in. So if you find yourself confused and hurting and thinking God hasn't come through, well, talk to Him about it. Talk to me about it. Give it to God, as cliche as that sounds. It helps me to think of all of the good. To be thankful and then to leave room to be amazed. 

An Honest Update

The journey of life continues. Or something cliche like that. This week has felt like a roller coaster ride, complete with highs and lows. I asked my community for special prayer as I headed to the courthouse to participate in mediation. I have been told over and over again that my case is unique or odd. Usually going into mediation, the parties know what they are fighting about or where there is contention. I had no idea what would happen. Lack of communication can leave a person feeling completely lost. There are questions and hypothetical answers or guesses that spin around and around day after day. At least in this mind. I have never been great at patiently waiting during times of uncertainty. Unknown is a terrifying word for me. So in the days before this meeting, my body reacted, my mind reacted, everything went into overdrive. I definitely was hoping for things to go a certain way but tried to let go of expectations and trust God. It is so hard, I am learning, to do that as a parent. Surrendering your children over to Him is very.difficult. But that's what I kept hearing and feeling and trying to do. Surrender, Sarah. God has you. God has HER.

I did not see the other party, per his request. I was prepared to, or as prepared as I could be. We were in separate rooms with our lawyers. Everyone was incredibly kind. We had to wait and wait that morning. I waited for it to be time to go in. We waited for a room. Waited for the other party. We said what I wanted and hoped for. Then waited. It felt like the longest stretch of time. As time passed, the more scenarios I made up in my head, the more my stomach felt knotted up. Then she came in and told us what the other party said. And I was crushed. I was hearing what I thought I wanted to hear. It seemed like good news for me. But it just felt so sad and wrong. It was delivered calmly and rationally, but each word seemed to fall like a bomb in my heart or soul. Somewhere. I do not understand how the world is so depraved and how people can fall into that depravity and we just go on day to day like it is normal. We end marriages and split up families and carry on like nothing happened. We even celebrate when we feel like we have won. I just can't get there right now. I know. I know we live in a fallen world. I know God is good but people a lot of times do not act "good". I am not naive and I know of many situations and behaviors that are more devastating and heartbreaking. But I cannot just accept it with a smile and move on. I am grieved and I mourn for what has been lost and what has died. So I have been fairly quiet. Again, I did not expect to feel this way. I officially am solely responsible for my little girl, and don't have to co-parent. I am not sad with the outcome of mediation in itself. It saddens me that what would have been best for us officially is not what happened or what is happening. I hope for what could happen in the future. And I believe for God's best for us. In the meantime, I thank God for my little girl every day and I pray to be the mother she needs. I am happy. But I feel sad sometimes. And I think this week has finally forced me to mourn and grieve what is lost. Thank you for the continued prayers and support. I am a blessed lady. :)

To 2016

Adventures Await

2015 is basically over. It has been the most meaningful year of my life so far. I've become a mother. Wow. I've always known I wanted to have children. Upon meeting Adalae, I thought, Yes, this is it. This is what I was created to do. I felt an overwhelming amount of love and fear. This greatest blessing came with the greatest amount of responsibility. As I have posted Adalae's adventures, I've had many sweet people reach out to me to ask about my life and apparent changes. I wrestled with knowing what to do and how to respond. Initially I felt some embarrassment and confusion and stayed off of social media for several weeks as I wrestled with it all. Then I realized that despite circumstances, God had blessed me with a beautiful baby girl and I wanted all of my loved ones to see her. I wanted everyone to see the love between us. I wanted friends to experience the joy she brings me because  I know she brings that joy to others. Over the past couple of years, I have gained and I have lost. I have been overwhelmed with joy and love at times and at other times overwhelmed with sadness. I've tried to embrace the spectrum of emotions and let myself feel them without allowing any feeling or circumstance to take over. Overall, I've been doing well. Because my God is good and He cares for me. He loves me even more than I love my sweet Adalae. Wow! I have a hope in Him. When people have let me down and when I fall short, God is there to be all I need and more. For those that don't know, I have been a single mother from the time I became a mother. But I'm not alone. My friends and family have supported us and loved us in ways that have left me amazed. I don't know where I would be without my precious family. They're too good to me. And friends, you've filled my heart with love and affirmation when I needed it the most. Here's to 2016. Trusting that the best is yet to come! God bless you!

Whoa.

It has been too long! A lot has happened, as is such when time passes. I am now with child. It has been a roller coaster of a year for me. My life has not gone as expected or planned and I have faced heartache like I never knew before. I feel different. I finally feel like I have become a woman. My own person. I feel as if God has been working on me and working with me. Life has tried to chip away at who I am and who I want to be but I keep pressing on. I have a deeper desire to be a better person now that I know I will be impacting a child in a huge way. I want to be a woman my daughter is proud of. I want to make decisions that she would respect one day when she can understand. I am learning all over again to take it day by day. Paul's advice has resonated with me for so many years. But now it is how I am able to thrive. I am learning to trust God for each day, and to be thankful for His daily provision. Every day is full of blessings, full of opportunities. We are the ones who miss them. I want to be intentional in seeing the goodness that each day brings. God is speaking. He is moving and working. Do we forget that? Ignore it? Become too busy to realize it?

Be intentional.

mommy, wow?

so here i am.man, i need to try to blog more often.makes me feel better.here i am as in supposedly grown up, big girl job and all.except i don't feel grown.what does that even mean?i still want to sit outside on a blanket and eat pb&j.i want to run around with jeans and a t-shirt and play with puppies or something.i do love my job, but sometimes i'm like hold up, they let me be this and do this?people have been more respectful and kind than i expected.the constant voice in the back of my head saying prove yourself does still ring loud, though.i have this fear of letting everyone down, by saying one thing or doing one thing that makes them all lose faith.but you know what is helpful?even liberating?the still quiet voice.it tells me that i get what i don't deserve because of a thing called grace.i fully believe i am here because of grace, and that grace will always be there for me.God made me the way i am and i trust Him.as long as i love and serve Him, he's got me.so maybe i'm technically supposed to be grown up, and maybe i kind of am, but i want to be a child at heart for as long as possible.i want to make an impact and care and love.i'm tired of hearing about thicker skin and jadedness.i will fight such things if it makes me apathetic.forever young.i want to be forever young...


And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:2-4 ESV)

Wanting something to love

http://www.gofundme.com/1khh1s


We would love to adopt or buy a Yorkie pup, but need help raising the money...figured it was worth a shot! ;)


<3_sarah_noelle

Earth

Man.growing up is tough.when you're little you don't understand how awful the world can be.you don't see it, or you're shielded from it.i remember being hurt and confused as a child, having been exposed to loss and pain at a young age.but parents made me feel better.there was enough good to keep the dark out.but then getting older made things hurt worse.it's weird how that can happen.maybe not for everyone.but for me.i started seeing things that made me mad.made me question.made me doubt.it hurt my foundation of faith.today i forced myself to send my brother some more postcards.i know he needs someone right now.i want to be there for him more than i have been.it just hurts.thinking of him there.where he shouldn't be.i pulled out my pen and the postcards.and didn't know what to say.what do you say to a brother who is sitting in a dark place.i can't even imagine what he must think and feel day to day.how could i possibly send him anything uplifting?or how do you tell a loved one who has been told there are weeks to months left to live that things are okay?what do you say in those moments that could be final?it all can get so heavy.i have no words.but i looked to the Bible.every time i have written my brother, i searched for words from God.His words actually do help.they are backed by a promise.by promises that have been proven over and over again.earth sucks.there is no getting around that.this life is but a vapor.i am but a vapor.but there is a God who loves me, who sacrificed everything for me.and He doesn't cause bad things to happen to me.or to anyone.He loves us.and He can speak to us daily.if we listen.somehow things can turn around.i believe they will.and bad things may happen.it's life.but there is hope.i sent my brother some verses.but they spoke to me.they can speak to every person.because we all need hope.let us look to God and His promises for it.

There is surely a future hope for you,
    and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18

<3_sarah_noelle

Reinforcement.

I am an intern.i expected to be treated like one.however, i haven't.it's been amazing.i love being in sarasota.the feeling i have every morning is so great.knowing this is what i am supposed to do.i am getting used to something new.this thing called positive reinforcement.i don't even need it.didn't expect it.but where my professors or previous bosses have made me feel like i wasn't cutting it, i am feeling like i am doing well.i am supported, and encouraged.and criticized in a wonderfully respectful manner.i don't feel like i deserve it.but i am so grateful for the experience.i truly have the perfect work environment.i am able to learn and grow, and given opportunities to work independently.i see why reinforcement works for the kiddos.the boost makes you want to do more and to be better.even if you don't expect or necessarily need the reinforcement.it's nice.i think this may be God's way of helping me build my confidence in this area.and that will make me a more effective person.so i'll take it!

Hebrews 10:35-36

³⁵ So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.

³⁶ You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.


<3_sarah_noelle

Die-it

9 days ago i began a diet.the daniel fast.you can basically only eat plant-based foods and can only drink water.i knew it would be challenging.i had no idea that my body would writhe in pain due to some kind of detox.however, once i made it through a few days of feeling miserable, i began to feel so much better.i have had stomach/intestinal issues for most of my life.on this diet, i have had no issues.therefore, the problem was the food.the beverages.all of the unhealthy addictions and decisions.i watched forks over knives earlier this year and cried and was so touched.seeing people be healed of diseases because of changing their diets.that hit me hard.there is so much in the Bible that talks about healthy eating because our bodies are temples.think about that.a temple.a holy place, where God dwells.and i have spent years trashing that temple.why?because it's easy.it feels good.i might have some stomach aches, but never feel any intense, automatic punishment.i have not done a word study on the word "diet," but just looking at it makes me think a clever person gave it such a name.to have discipline over what goes into your body requires one to die to his or her self.dieting can reflect a spiritual deficit or it can represent strength (in my opinion).putting junk into the body is a form of self-harm, if you really think about it.we judge people for smoking and drinking, then turn and eat our bowls of ice cream night after night.while this fast has been frustrating due to its strictness and blatant inconvenience, i am so glad i decided to do it.i learned that with Christ, i can have power over food and temptation.i do not need the amounts of sugar or caffeine i have continuously consumed.i thought it made me feel better.but i have felt so good about myself because what i eat doesn't make me feel sick or guilty.it makes me feel good.okay, i'm done.just think about it, friends.i am preaching to myself here.let us stop hurting ourselves and practice discipline so we can be healthy and happy.this will allow us to please God and to be used by Him in new ways. :)

You realize, don't you, that you are the temple of God, and God Himself is present in you?...God's temple is scared-and you, remember, are the temple. -1 Corinthians 3:16-17
So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. -1 Corinthians 10:31
No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I will not be disqualified for the prize. -1 Corinthians 9:27

<3_sarah_noelle

Caterpillar

I have begun my time as an intern.i have experienced so many emotions.but i feel as though i am finally getting into the swing of things.the greatest thing of all, though, is that i finally feel this peace and joy that i know i am doing the right thing.i am in the right place.that confirmation is so great.so great, that it overwhelms and takes away the fear, the nervousness, the doubts.all of the negativity is muffled because i know that God has me here.doing this.for a reason.how many times do i need to be reminded of his care, his provision?i know that i have had great experiences and have been complimented and trusted because of Him.this is what i am called to do.right now, i am working on developing my skills, soaking in so many lessons.i am that baby caterpillar...yes, probably a very hungry one at that.one day, i will transform.i will reveal my wings in a place where God has picked out just for me.i look back at my life and see His hand placing me, moving me.and i am so blessed.i want to reflect on my experiences because i am seriously loving life, and am reminded daily that i can and will love working in this field.

Trust?

i had myself fooled.thought i had trust in God because i could say the right things and tell people i had it.but then i couldn't sleep.couldn't rest.just kept thinking.it was worry.anxiety.fear.uncertainty.that is not trust.turns out, we still have our apartment.always have food.love.when things are nothing like we imagined or what we thought we deserved, we abandon what is most important.without trust we have no hope.without hope we have no drive.without a vision, people parish.it is foundational.yet i claim i have that foundation, but it crumbles at a loss.at a tweak.God does not have to prove Himself.yet He does.again and again. 
Oh, for grace to trust Him more.then i wouldn't be like everyone else.worried about the economy.the future.the present.the nothing.bigger picture...more like just zooming out on life, and realizing that every season is but a pixel, and every "problem" may be a minor imperfection that actually increases the beauty of it all.we lose sight of it all when we think we are entitled to all the commodities we demand.His Word promises us so much.but what are we doing?complaining, wasting words, wasting thoughts, wasting time on worrying.on trying to be our own god, trying to create our own ideals,which really are not so ideal.
Forgive me, Father....oh, for grace.

Psalm 28:7- The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. 

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

the holidays have come and gone.as i suspected, people got engaged.were married.had babies.found out about new babies.after checking my facebook and seeing all the news, i realized that this was the new phase in my life.a time of growing up, and of expansion.after doing some more thinking, i realized that i have been a wife for 2 years.crazy.wife.i still cannot believe that has become one of my roles.people i meet have a hard time believing it.[[you're so young!]]being married for such a short amount of time definitely does not make me an expert.i know that every day should be dedicated to learning more, and to becoming a better person.however, i do think i have definitely gained insight into the matter, and i just feel like writing about it.
after my days of being anti-marriage, i remember dating and being engaged and thinking that marriage would be the great fix-it tool.i thought that by getting married, any issues we had would disappear because we were entering into a greater bond, something that would force us think and act as one.well, i was wrong.after becoming a wife, things became increasingly complicated.there were unidentified expectations.there were disappointments.there were arguments that seemed like they were over nothing, but truly did have deeper meaning.the first year was definitely challenging.
i am happily married.please don't get me wrong about that.i have no regrets.i truly cannot imagine what life would be like without being married to caleb.i just get nervous for people.caleb has been the most selfless person i have ever met.and my love for him makes me want to put him before myself.we don't have huge arguments, we don't badmouth each other or belittle each other.and if that were the case, we would be hurting ourselves in the process.i do feel like we have become one.it has taken some time, and we have much learning to do, but when he hurts i hurt.when he is happy, i am overjoyed.there is an element of closeness that God blesses us with after we commit our lives to each other, and to Him.but it is work, just like any commitment.there should be a foundation of trust and of friendship.i have always trusted caleb because he never gave up on me, or on us.he has fought for us since day one, and has been responsible, and reliable.i never imagined having so much respect and adoration for a human being.i am so in love with him.that love grows and has new insights every day.i hope everyone can have something like this.something that takes work, but only because two people are working very hard to do what is best for the both of them.once we had a sort of sync, things became easier, and we had a better understanding of each other.it is unnatural for a person to be selfless.it does not come easy.but when you are so in love with a person, you really begin to put him (or her) before yourself.if your "love" does not do this, take a step back and consider your plans.marriage does not fix what is broken.it is so incredibly sacred and beautiful, and needs to be treated and respected as such.so please.don't rush it.don't force it.let God do His work in both of you, and seek Him first.

1 Corinthians 13

 ¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 ⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 ¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

-and this love does not make sense.it does not act like what we see on tv or in the news...

LuCk

Throughout my lifetime, people have told me that i should write a book.that i should retell all of the little stories.this sounds flattering.however, the stories are not stories of greatness or even of fun.they are tales of my misfortunes.my lack of luck.oddities.silliness.suckiness.haha.makes me feel like a real winner.but seriously, very weird things have happened to me or around me.people say i am unlucky.but i don't really agree.i actually very recently had an epiphany concerning all of these situations.i was told that they are adventures, worth keeping for future recollection (and probably for future laughs).i feel honored that things can happen to me because i know i can handle them.i can laugh at myself, with myself, by myself.keeps me entertained.and it doesn't take much.but anyway with that said lucky/unlucky yatta yatta.i know i am blessed.i don't wanna walk around saying fml omg i am so screwed.no.my life is funny.it's fun.it's made of a myriad of adventures. :) take that, crooked teeth and flat tires!

sarah_noelle

on guard

this world is not too great.i hear about the darkness.i see it.i feel it.i dream about it.having a spiritual connection to something Greater takes me away from it.but it seems nearly impossible to stay away.it is engulfing.i am a peninsula of feelings,thoughts, and curiosities, and the dark stuff is the water that surrounds me.this week has been very metaphoric for me.it was stormy.wet.frizzy.scary.damaging.i felt myself letting go of the grip i had on joy,peace,contentment.what happened?so quickly.i lost it.i was not on guard.i let my feelings.my selfish,rampaging feelings.they took over.there has been that little cloud trying to take all this that i found away.but i refuse to be robbed.i know this is not me.this is not from God.therefore, i will be on guard.i will work and fight and overcome all this garbage.i will put into my heart the goodness and the life that comes from God.i will not hide from the death around me.i will confront it and tell it that it cannot steal anything from me.i have far too much to do for that mess.

"Above all else, guard your heart, 

   for everything you do flows from it."

just a beautiful letdown...

i have identified with this song for quite some time now.i remember it really speaking to me in high school, whenever i felt so disconnected from everyone around me.when i wanted to run away to Africa, or at least get out of America.i was sick of not relating to the desires and hopes and obsessions around me.i felt so confused and alone.eventually, these negative feelings went away and i understood why things were the way they were.i was happy that i was not crazed.or that i was crazed.anyway.this is my anthem.my lifesong.

It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone
Unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
Fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross and a song
Where I don't belong
I don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown
When You found me here
Yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
In the rising sun
In our dark water planet still spinning
In a direction no one wins
No one's won.

See, I don't belong here (I don't belong)
Well, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross
With a song where I don't belong
I don't belong
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
No, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I'm gonna set side
And set sail
For the kingdom come, kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down, yeah
Let my foolish pride forever let me down

Ah, Easy living, you're not much like the name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list
Easy living please c'mon and let me down

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here, yeah
It goes like I don't belong here
I don't belong (I don't belong)
Won't you let me down (I don't belong)
C'mon and let me down (I don't belong)
You always let me down (I don't belong)
So glad that I'm let down (I don't belong)
C'mon and let me down (I don't belong)
'Cause I don't belong here
Won't you let me down!

ps- anything jon foreman touches also has my name written on it...it just might be invisible...

<3 sarah_noelle

surrender

God has such a unique way of getting my attention.He has done it yet again.:) tonight i was reminded of the things that i have been brought out of.things that i am ashamed of.things that hurt to think about or talk about.these "things" still have a tendency to linger in my life.they creep into my thoughts, they afflict me.but i have news for all of that garbage.i am free.so free.i catch myself laughing every day.i have always been a silly, outspoken person with a passion for people and for life.for a season, i lost that passion.so many pieces of me were chipped away that for so long i felt like i would never ever be the same.i put walls up and locked my heart away.some people have broken through them, but never without resistance.i am tired of it.anxiety, sadness, fear.that is not from God.and that is not sarah_noelle.i so desperately want people to see what goodness can be had.i want people to feel this jumping in my soul that causes me to dance.this outburst that makes me sing.i cannot be quiet.i cannot be still.He has freed me, friends, and there truly is no turning back.i do not feel guilty for what i have thought or felt.i am new.the only way i have been able to make it through this dark scary world is by the grace of God.He has put me in places i never would have tried to go.He has blessed me with people i could never deserve.He has given me joy i could not have earned.i am sarah_noelle and i am a mess.i think too much.i cry too much.i bruise easily and cannot handle hearing about the bad in the world.but He has cleaned me up and will never give up on me.i am dirty and yucky but He is so beautifully clean and pure.i cannot think about the magnitude of His love and not feel a rush of tears come to my ducts.if everyone knew this kind of love and peace, the world would be a much lovelier place.i go to sleep with peace.i approach each new day with excitement.i love.i dream.i smile, laugh, cry, and express my affections.all because of Him.there was a season when i did not have the strength to raise my arms.now there is nothing else that feels more natural.i surrender.every day.each moment.all the yuck.


<3 sarah_noelle

Mis Ninos

i love my kids.i never know what to expect from day to day.except difference.change.i like that too.i have only been with them for a few months and they have already taught me so much.they have taught me that being different is challenging and confusing and beautiful.i would not have my classroom any other way.it is usually loud.there is usually a fight or outburst every hour or two.but there is love.we are like a family in there.we have each other's backs.we get each other.i feel like i have adopted nine new children.i love each of them differently.and they like me.and this is one of the only times i can say something about someone liking me.haha.usually i doubt it.but i know it.they are drawn to me and i am drawn to them.we laugh together, struggle together, and definitely learn together.i cannot imagine a different job or a better place for me to be right now.i love working with my teacher too.she is great.i have learned so much.i feel like something has blossomed in me.i wake up with joy each morning, and cannot wait to see how my kids are doing.i cannot wait to see how they do on each lesson, and how they handle the challenges i will never face.i respect them.they may not always respect me.but i know there is love there.and that is what matters to me.now i know i just need to plant seeds in their lives while i am a part of them for such a brief time in their lives.i want them to know they were beautifully created, and that they can ignore all the crap people tell them.they can ignore the labels.the insults.the scores.they can overcome.i know they will.i just hope they always have someone to love them and show them that.they need it.mis ninos. :)

<3sarah_noelle

Today.

Church was great today.the preacher spoke about living a life free of all the junk that happens in life.what stood out to me was that there was so much truth in what he said about letting go of the past and not worrying about the future.it is so cliche to say things like "live for today," but it is truly liberating.it hit home with me.i am confined in my decision-making due to the past.friends walk away.people lie.disappointments are constantly popping up.however, that should not be the case.that puts such a limitation on what could be.today could be great.but because my car broke down two days ago, i refuse to enjoy anything.that's not cool.life truly should be lived moment by moment.can you imagine leaving tomorrow's cares for tomorrow?not completely forsaking planning, but allowing yourself to see today for what it could be:fun, enlightening, liberating, memorable.memorable.yesterday's memories suck?make new ones.it feels so good to not freak out about what could happen or what will happen.it really is about trust.i trust God.it is hard and i don't always show it.but really.my life is amazing.i have been blessed with so much.so today.today is what matters.today can change so much.moments can determine the future.think about it.:)

<3 sarah_noelle

Springing

To spring is to become active.hmm.when i think of spring, i think of the beach.that sun felt so good.feeling all of my muscles relax after days of tension.ok, so i shall be springing.haha this part of life has been so confusing!so many demands, expectations, changes.i just want to live inside of a little tent on the shore.that beach trip messed me up.it was so nice.just caleb and me and all of God's beautiful artistry.yeah, there were strangers.but i didn't notice.oh well.back to action right?like right now.should be reading about reading.reading about writing.but i wanted to write.no grades or critiques or fabricated discussions.this is nice.like the sheet at the beach.we barely talked when we were sitting under the sun.it was beautiful.ok.back to that wonderful grind of grad school.life is happening all around me.but here i study.sort of.



<3 Sarah_Noelle