Strange Season

The other night I was singing along with a sea of people. We were singing to God and about God. During one of the songs, I found myself choking on my words. If you know me, you know I usually have no problem expressing myself. The lyric was about how God has never failed me. Something came over me and I could not sing it. I instantly felt emotional-sad and confused. While the music played on, I realized there was something in my heart that I needed to work through. I thought I was the spokesperson for believing that God is not to blame for problems, after I learned a tough lesson about blaming God years ago. My anger and disappointment in God that came when I blamed Him before had basically zapped my faith. Once I worked through that, I knew I would never doubt Him or His character again. So what was this? Why couldn't I say God has never failed me? No one was listening to me. No one knew what I was wrestling with in that moment. Through the past few years I've told people that my faith was strong and that I know things will turn around! So...what was this? It's only happened one time that I recall that a friend looked me in the eyes and acknowledged that what I've dealt with has been hard. I felt like someone was seeing something so vulnerable in me and I instantly broke down. No, no, no, people go through much worse. My life is blessed! Things are fine! If they aren't fine, if I'm not okay, I'm pitied. I'm worried about. People don't have time for that and I don't want to be the object of that. So. Why couldn't I say God has never failed me? I think it hit me in that moment that something, how to say this, went wrong in my life and I was indeed disappointed and sad. It's been floating around somewhere in my head and pushed around and ignored because, truly, life isn't bad! I made myself listen to that song over and over again until I could sing it sincerely. God hasn't failed me. My life doesn't look the way I expected or planned for, which for a person wired like me, that is so difficult to wrap my head around still! I think I got it in my head that there would be a rough patch and I'd suddenly have everything and everyone I needed and la dee da good times. But no, God didn't fail me. He hasn't and He won't. There's no "failed me yet" because I really believe He is good and that He keeps His promises. He has! I've always had everything I need and then some. There are things I want, and sometimes I mourn over things lost or things not found. And that's okay. At least I think it's okay. That's where faith and hope come in. So if you find yourself confused and hurting and thinking God hasn't come through, well, talk to Him about it. Talk to me about it. Give it to God, as cliche as that sounds. It helps me to think of all of the good. To be thankful and then to leave room to be amazed.