just a beautiful letdown...

i have identified with this song for quite some time now.i remember it really speaking to me in high school, whenever i felt so disconnected from everyone around me.when i wanted to run away to Africa, or at least get out of America.i was sick of not relating to the desires and hopes and obsessions around me.i felt so confused and alone.eventually, these negative feelings went away and i understood why things were the way they were.i was happy that i was not crazed.or that i was crazed.anyway.this is my anthem.my lifesong.

It was a beautiful letdown
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone
Unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful letdown
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain
And bitter doubts
I was trying so hard to fit in
Fit in, until I found out

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
I will carry a cross and a song
Where I don't belong
I don't belong

It was a beautiful letdown
When You found me here
Yeah, for once in a rare blue moon
I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful letdown
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free

We're still chasing our tails
In the rising sun
In our dark water planet still spinning
In a direction no one wins
No one's won.

See, I don't belong here (I don't belong)
Well, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I will carry a cross
With a song where I don't belong
I don't belong
I don't belong here (I don't belong)
No, I don't belong here, I don't belong
I'm gonna set side
And set sail
For the kingdom come, kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down, yeah
Let my foolish pride forever let me down

Ah, Easy living, you're not much like the name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Would you please take me off your list
Easy living please c'mon and let me down

We are a beautiful letdown
Painfully uncool
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures, and the fools
What a beautiful letdown
Are we salt in the wound
Hey, let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here (I don't belong)
It feels like I don't belong here, yeah
It goes like I don't belong here
I don't belong (I don't belong)
Won't you let me down (I don't belong)
C'mon and let me down (I don't belong)
You always let me down (I don't belong)
So glad that I'm let down (I don't belong)
C'mon and let me down (I don't belong)
'Cause I don't belong here
Won't you let me down!

ps- anything jon foreman touches also has my name written on it...it just might be invisible...

<3 sarah_noelle

surrender

God has such a unique way of getting my attention.He has done it yet again.:) tonight i was reminded of the things that i have been brought out of.things that i am ashamed of.things that hurt to think about or talk about.these "things" still have a tendency to linger in my life.they creep into my thoughts, they afflict me.but i have news for all of that garbage.i am free.so free.i catch myself laughing every day.i have always been a silly, outspoken person with a passion for people and for life.for a season, i lost that passion.so many pieces of me were chipped away that for so long i felt like i would never ever be the same.i put walls up and locked my heart away.some people have broken through them, but never without resistance.i am tired of it.anxiety, sadness, fear.that is not from God.and that is not sarah_noelle.i so desperately want people to see what goodness can be had.i want people to feel this jumping in my soul that causes me to dance.this outburst that makes me sing.i cannot be quiet.i cannot be still.He has freed me, friends, and there truly is no turning back.i do not feel guilty for what i have thought or felt.i am new.the only way i have been able to make it through this dark scary world is by the grace of God.He has put me in places i never would have tried to go.He has blessed me with people i could never deserve.He has given me joy i could not have earned.i am sarah_noelle and i am a mess.i think too much.i cry too much.i bruise easily and cannot handle hearing about the bad in the world.but He has cleaned me up and will never give up on me.i am dirty and yucky but He is so beautifully clean and pure.i cannot think about the magnitude of His love and not feel a rush of tears come to my ducts.if everyone knew this kind of love and peace, the world would be a much lovelier place.i go to sleep with peace.i approach each new day with excitement.i love.i dream.i smile, laugh, cry, and express my affections.all because of Him.there was a season when i did not have the strength to raise my arms.now there is nothing else that feels more natural.i surrender.every day.each moment.all the yuck.


<3 sarah_noelle

Mis Ninos

i love my kids.i never know what to expect from day to day.except difference.change.i like that too.i have only been with them for a few months and they have already taught me so much.they have taught me that being different is challenging and confusing and beautiful.i would not have my classroom any other way.it is usually loud.there is usually a fight or outburst every hour or two.but there is love.we are like a family in there.we have each other's backs.we get each other.i feel like i have adopted nine new children.i love each of them differently.and they like me.and this is one of the only times i can say something about someone liking me.haha.usually i doubt it.but i know it.they are drawn to me and i am drawn to them.we laugh together, struggle together, and definitely learn together.i cannot imagine a different job or a better place for me to be right now.i love working with my teacher too.she is great.i have learned so much.i feel like something has blossomed in me.i wake up with joy each morning, and cannot wait to see how my kids are doing.i cannot wait to see how they do on each lesson, and how they handle the challenges i will never face.i respect them.they may not always respect me.but i know there is love there.and that is what matters to me.now i know i just need to plant seeds in their lives while i am a part of them for such a brief time in their lives.i want them to know they were beautifully created, and that they can ignore all the crap people tell them.they can ignore the labels.the insults.the scores.they can overcome.i know they will.i just hope they always have someone to love them and show them that.they need it.mis ninos. :)

<3sarah_noelle

Today.

Church was great today.the preacher spoke about living a life free of all the junk that happens in life.what stood out to me was that there was so much truth in what he said about letting go of the past and not worrying about the future.it is so cliche to say things like "live for today," but it is truly liberating.it hit home with me.i am confined in my decision-making due to the past.friends walk away.people lie.disappointments are constantly popping up.however, that should not be the case.that puts such a limitation on what could be.today could be great.but because my car broke down two days ago, i refuse to enjoy anything.that's not cool.life truly should be lived moment by moment.can you imagine leaving tomorrow's cares for tomorrow?not completely forsaking planning, but allowing yourself to see today for what it could be:fun, enlightening, liberating, memorable.memorable.yesterday's memories suck?make new ones.it feels so good to not freak out about what could happen or what will happen.it really is about trust.i trust God.it is hard and i don't always show it.but really.my life is amazing.i have been blessed with so much.so today.today is what matters.today can change so much.moments can determine the future.think about it.:)

<3 sarah_noelle

Springing

To spring is to become active.hmm.when i think of spring, i think of the beach.that sun felt so good.feeling all of my muscles relax after days of tension.ok, so i shall be springing.haha this part of life has been so confusing!so many demands, expectations, changes.i just want to live inside of a little tent on the shore.that beach trip messed me up.it was so nice.just caleb and me and all of God's beautiful artistry.yeah, there were strangers.but i didn't notice.oh well.back to action right?like right now.should be reading about reading.reading about writing.but i wanted to write.no grades or critiques or fabricated discussions.this is nice.like the sheet at the beach.we barely talked when we were sitting under the sun.it was beautiful.ok.back to that wonderful grind of grad school.life is happening all around me.but here i study.sort of.



<3 Sarah_Noelle