Strange Season

The other night I was singing along with a sea of people. We were singing to God and about God. During one of the songs, I found myself choking on my words. If you know me, you know I usually have no problem expressing myself. The lyric was about how God has never failed me. Something came over me and I could not sing it. I instantly felt emotional-sad and confused. While the music played on, I realized there was something in my heart that I needed to work through. I thought I was the spokesperson for believing that God is not to blame for problems, after I learned a tough lesson about blaming God years ago. My anger and disappointment in God that came when I blamed Him before had basically zapped my faith. Once I worked through that, I knew I would never doubt Him or His character again. So what was this? Why couldn't I say God has never failed me? No one was listening to me. No one knew what I was wrestling with in that moment. Through the past few years I've told people that my faith was strong and that I know things will turn around! So...what was this? It's only happened one time that I recall that a friend looked me in the eyes and acknowledged that what I've dealt with has been hard. I felt like someone was seeing something so vulnerable in me and I instantly broke down. No, no, no, people go through much worse. My life is blessed! Things are fine! If they aren't fine, if I'm not okay, I'm pitied. I'm worried about. People don't have time for that and I don't want to be the object of that. So. Why couldn't I say God has never failed me? I think it hit me in that moment that something, how to say this, went wrong in my life and I was indeed disappointed and sad. It's been floating around somewhere in my head and pushed around and ignored because, truly, life isn't bad! I made myself listen to that song over and over again until I could sing it sincerely. God hasn't failed me. My life doesn't look the way I expected or planned for, which for a person wired like me, that is so difficult to wrap my head around still! I think I got it in my head that there would be a rough patch and I'd suddenly have everything and everyone I needed and la dee da good times. But no, God didn't fail me. He hasn't and He won't. There's no "failed me yet" because I really believe He is good and that He keeps His promises. He has! I've always had everything I need and then some. There are things I want, and sometimes I mourn over things lost or things not found. And that's okay. At least I think it's okay. That's where faith and hope come in. So if you find yourself confused and hurting and thinking God hasn't come through, well, talk to Him about it. Talk to me about it. Give it to God, as cliche as that sounds. It helps me to think of all of the good. To be thankful and then to leave room to be amazed. 

An Honest Update

The journey of life continues. Or something cliche like that. This week has felt like a roller coaster ride, complete with highs and lows. I asked my community for special prayer as I headed to the courthouse to participate in mediation. I have been told over and over again that my case is unique or odd. Usually going into mediation, the parties know what they are fighting about or where there is contention. I had no idea what would happen. Lack of communication can leave a person feeling completely lost. There are questions and hypothetical answers or guesses that spin around and around day after day. At least in this mind. I have never been great at patiently waiting during times of uncertainty. Unknown is a terrifying word for me. So in the days before this meeting, my body reacted, my mind reacted, everything went into overdrive. I definitely was hoping for things to go a certain way but tried to let go of expectations and trust God. It is so hard, I am learning, to do that as a parent. Surrendering your children over to Him is very.difficult. But that's what I kept hearing and feeling and trying to do. Surrender, Sarah. God has you. God has HER.

I did not see the other party, per his request. I was prepared to, or as prepared as I could be. We were in separate rooms with our lawyers. Everyone was incredibly kind. We had to wait and wait that morning. I waited for it to be time to go in. We waited for a room. Waited for the other party. We said what I wanted and hoped for. Then waited. It felt like the longest stretch of time. As time passed, the more scenarios I made up in my head, the more my stomach felt knotted up. Then she came in and told us what the other party said. And I was crushed. I was hearing what I thought I wanted to hear. It seemed like good news for me. But it just felt so sad and wrong. It was delivered calmly and rationally, but each word seemed to fall like a bomb in my heart or soul. Somewhere. I do not understand how the world is so depraved and how people can fall into that depravity and we just go on day to day like it is normal. We end marriages and split up families and carry on like nothing happened. We even celebrate when we feel like we have won. I just can't get there right now. I know. I know we live in a fallen world. I know God is good but people a lot of times do not act "good". I am not naive and I know of many situations and behaviors that are more devastating and heartbreaking. But I cannot just accept it with a smile and move on. I am grieved and I mourn for what has been lost and what has died. So I have been fairly quiet. Again, I did not expect to feel this way. I officially am solely responsible for my little girl, and don't have to co-parent. I am not sad with the outcome of mediation in itself. It saddens me that what would have been best for us officially is not what happened or what is happening. I hope for what could happen in the future. And I believe for God's best for us. In the meantime, I thank God for my little girl every day and I pray to be the mother she needs. I am happy. But I feel sad sometimes. And I think this week has finally forced me to mourn and grieve what is lost. Thank you for the continued prayers and support. I am a blessed lady. :)

To 2016

Adventures Await

2015 is basically over. It has been the most meaningful year of my life so far. I've become a mother. Wow. I've always known I wanted to have children. Upon meeting Adalae, I thought, Yes, this is it. This is what I was created to do. I felt an overwhelming amount of love and fear. This greatest blessing came with the greatest amount of responsibility. As I have posted Adalae's adventures, I've had many sweet people reach out to me to ask about my life and apparent changes. I wrestled with knowing what to do and how to respond. Initially I felt some embarrassment and confusion and stayed off of social media for several weeks as I wrestled with it all. Then I realized that despite circumstances, God had blessed me with a beautiful baby girl and I wanted all of my loved ones to see her. I wanted everyone to see the love between us. I wanted friends to experience the joy she brings me because  I know she brings that joy to others. Over the past couple of years, I have gained and I have lost. I have been overwhelmed with joy and love at times and at other times overwhelmed with sadness. I've tried to embrace the spectrum of emotions and let myself feel them without allowing any feeling or circumstance to take over. Overall, I've been doing well. Because my God is good and He cares for me. He loves me even more than I love my sweet Adalae. Wow! I have a hope in Him. When people have let me down and when I fall short, God is there to be all I need and more. For those that don't know, I have been a single mother from the time I became a mother. But I'm not alone. My friends and family have supported us and loved us in ways that have left me amazed. I don't know where I would be without my precious family. They're too good to me. And friends, you've filled my heart with love and affirmation when I needed it the most. Here's to 2016. Trusting that the best is yet to come! God bless you!

Whoa.

It has been too long! A lot has happened, as is such when time passes. I am now with child. It has been a roller coaster of a year for me. My life has not gone as expected or planned and I have faced heartache like I never knew before. I feel different. I finally feel like I have become a woman. My own person. I feel as if God has been working on me and working with me. Life has tried to chip away at who I am and who I want to be but I keep pressing on. I have a deeper desire to be a better person now that I know I will be impacting a child in a huge way. I want to be a woman my daughter is proud of. I want to make decisions that she would respect one day when she can understand. I am learning all over again to take it day by day. Paul's advice has resonated with me for so many years. But now it is how I am able to thrive. I am learning to trust God for each day, and to be thankful for His daily provision. Every day is full of blessings, full of opportunities. We are the ones who miss them. I want to be intentional in seeing the goodness that each day brings. God is speaking. He is moving and working. Do we forget that? Ignore it? Become too busy to realize it?

Be intentional.

mommy, wow?

so here i am.man, i need to try to blog more often.makes me feel better.here i am as in supposedly grown up, big girl job and all.except i don't feel grown.what does that even mean?i still want to sit outside on a blanket and eat pb&j.i want to run around with jeans and a t-shirt and play with puppies or something.i do love my job, but sometimes i'm like hold up, they let me be this and do this?people have been more respectful and kind than i expected.the constant voice in the back of my head saying prove yourself does still ring loud, though.i have this fear of letting everyone down, by saying one thing or doing one thing that makes them all lose faith.but you know what is helpful?even liberating?the still quiet voice.it tells me that i get what i don't deserve because of a thing called grace.i fully believe i am here because of grace, and that grace will always be there for me.God made me the way i am and i trust Him.as long as i love and serve Him, he's got me.so maybe i'm technically supposed to be grown up, and maybe i kind of am, but i want to be a child at heart for as long as possible.i want to make an impact and care and love.i'm tired of hearing about thicker skin and jadedness.i will fight such things if it makes me apathetic.forever young.i want to be forever young...


And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:2-4 ESV)

Wanting something to love

http://www.gofundme.com/1khh1s


We would love to adopt or buy a Yorkie pup, but need help raising the money...figured it was worth a shot! ;)


<3_sarah_noelle

Earth

Man.growing up is tough.when you're little you don't understand how awful the world can be.you don't see it, or you're shielded from it.i remember being hurt and confused as a child, having been exposed to loss and pain at a young age.but parents made me feel better.there was enough good to keep the dark out.but then getting older made things hurt worse.it's weird how that can happen.maybe not for everyone.but for me.i started seeing things that made me mad.made me question.made me doubt.it hurt my foundation of faith.today i forced myself to send my brother some more postcards.i know he needs someone right now.i want to be there for him more than i have been.it just hurts.thinking of him there.where he shouldn't be.i pulled out my pen and the postcards.and didn't know what to say.what do you say to a brother who is sitting in a dark place.i can't even imagine what he must think and feel day to day.how could i possibly send him anything uplifting?or how do you tell a loved one who has been told there are weeks to months left to live that things are okay?what do you say in those moments that could be final?it all can get so heavy.i have no words.but i looked to the Bible.every time i have written my brother, i searched for words from God.His words actually do help.they are backed by a promise.by promises that have been proven over and over again.earth sucks.there is no getting around that.this life is but a vapor.i am but a vapor.but there is a God who loves me, who sacrificed everything for me.and He doesn't cause bad things to happen to me.or to anyone.He loves us.and He can speak to us daily.if we listen.somehow things can turn around.i believe they will.and bad things may happen.it's life.but there is hope.i sent my brother some verses.but they spoke to me.they can speak to every person.because we all need hope.let us look to God and His promises for it.

There is surely a future hope for you,
    and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 23:18

<3_sarah_noelle