The journey of life continues. Or something cliche like that. This week has felt like a roller coaster ride, complete with highs and lows. I asked my community for special prayer as I headed to the courthouse to participate in mediation. I have been told over and over again that my case is unique or odd. Usually going into mediation, the parties know what they are fighting about or where there is contention. I had no idea what would happen. Lack of communication can leave a person feeling completely lost. There are questions and hypothetical answers or guesses that spin around and around day after day. At least in this mind. I have never been great at patiently waiting during times of uncertainty. Unknown is a terrifying word for me. So in the days before this meeting, my body reacted, my mind reacted, everything went into overdrive. I definitely was hoping for things to go a certain way but tried to let go of expectations and trust God. It is so hard, I am learning, to do that as a parent. Surrendering your children over to Him is very.difficult. But that's what I kept hearing and feeling and trying to do. Surrender, Sarah. God has you. God has HER.
I did not see the other party, per his request. I was prepared to, or as prepared as I could be. We were in separate rooms with our lawyers. Everyone was incredibly kind. We had to wait and wait that morning. I waited for it to be time to go in. We waited for a room. Waited for the other party. We said what I wanted and hoped for. Then waited. It felt like the longest stretch of time. As time passed, the more scenarios I made up in my head, the more my stomach felt knotted up. Then she came in and told us what the other party said. And I was crushed. I was hearing what I thought I wanted to hear. It seemed like good news for me. But it just felt so sad and wrong. It was delivered calmly and rationally, but each word seemed to fall like a bomb in my heart or soul. Somewhere. I do not understand how the world is so depraved and how people can fall into that depravity and we just go on day to day like it is normal. We end marriages and split up families and carry on like nothing happened. We even celebrate when we feel like we have won. I just can't get there right now. I know. I know we live in a fallen world. I know God is good but people a lot of times do not act "good". I am not naive and I know of many situations and behaviors that are more devastating and heartbreaking. But I cannot just accept it with a smile and move on. I am grieved and I mourn for what has been lost and what has died. So I have been fairly quiet. Again, I did not expect to feel this way. I officially am solely responsible for my little girl, and don't have to co-parent. I am not sad with the outcome of mediation in itself. It saddens me that what would have been best for us officially is not what happened or what is happening. I hope for what could happen in the future. And I believe for God's best for us. In the meantime, I thank God for my little girl every day and I pray to be the mother she needs. I am happy. But I feel sad sometimes. And I think this week has finally forced me to mourn and grieve what is lost. Thank you for the continued prayers and support. I am a blessed lady. :)
